“Be killing sin, or it will be killing you,” wrote Puritan John Owen in his classic work Of the Mortification of Sin in Believers. This still rings true for followers of Christ today, especially as we find ourselves surrounded by increasing temptation and pressure to cave to the values and standards of the modern world.
We at The Babylon Bee hate sin with all the fury we can muster. Luckily, the Lord put these seven simple steps upon our hearts. He says that if you take each of these guidelines seriously, the human race can eradicate all sinfulness within 2–3 years, tops.
So let’s get crackin’!
1.) Be really intentional about spending your free time effectively—for instance, by playing video games for hours on end. Zoning out to video games will pay major dividends when temptation strikes. You can use the skills you develop playing the latest version of Mortal Kombat to help you deliver brutal fatalities to your sinful nature, or you can play games like Halo 5 online and hear the edifying encouragement of all the foul-mouthed 12-year-olds on Xbox Live. (Another two-word pro-tip: Netflix binge.)
2.) Throw away all your Dungeons & Dragons books. Sin isn’t your fault, not really. It’s probably because of the hordes of demons infesting your house. They’re typically attracted to dark, demonic material like all those old Dungeons & Dragons source books from your high school days gathering dust in your attic. Burn those puppies and you’ll be sin-free in no time. (If this doesn’t work, the culprit could be your Iron Maiden vinyls or your diabolical collection of Pokemon cards.)
3.) Just don’t do anything about it. Believe it or not, if you just ignore your conscience and keep giving into temptation, one day it will probably just go away by itself.
4.) Reclassify your sin as an acceptable alternate lifestyle choice. When your sin seems as though it’s too much to bear, take heart: you can just explain away all the Scriptures that condemn it! When your sin isn’t called “sin,” but an “alternate lifestyle,” you’re free to engage in all kinds of behavior that previously would have made you feel really guilty.
5.) Get an accountability partner, and then lie to him every time he asks you how you’re doing. You can’t fight sin without fellowship—and the best way to keep yourself accountable to other Christians is to lie to them whenever they ask if you’re still struggling with that lingering sinful addiction. This way, you give off the appearance of vulnerability and humility, but you get to skip the whole confession and repentance deal!
6.) Watch TONS of Oprah and Dr. Phil. Only one person can really give you the supernatural power you need to overcome your sin: you! Watch programs like old Oprah Winfrey Show reruns or Dr. Phil, and you’ll be encouraged and empowered to fight your sin on your own, without that Jesus or Holy Spirit guy!
7.) Focus on other people’s sins instead to make you feel better. When you’re tired of working on your own sins day after day, just start working on other people’s instead. When you see how screwed up their lives are, you’ll feel pretty good by comparison. Progress!
The Lord has commanded all of us to take sin seriously, and these seven tips are like seven arrows in your sin-fighting quiver.
So, onward, Christian soldiers! Take no prisoners!