7 Easy Ways To Spruce Up Your Church Stage
Church · Mar 28, 2019 · BabylonBee.com

Decorating a church stage is arguably the most important part of church life. It says it right there in the Bible, somewhere. So if your church is rocking some old-school faux wood or a plain white wall up on the stage, you're probably not doing the Lord's work.

Here are 7 great tips to spruce up your church stage to fulfill the Lord's will for His church: endless entertainment on Sundays.

1.) Consider using discarded pallets, or even just bags of garbage. - An inexpensive way to build a backdrop for your stage is to go behind a grocery store and steal their pallets. While you're there, why not grab some bags of festering garbage and staple them on the wall too? It's an edgy, grungy look that will have people committing their lives to Christ in no time.

2.) Try putting the pastor's name up in big, bright lights. - You want to remind people what it's really all about: your pastor's fame.

3.) Install state-of-the-art video screens and play Battlestar Galactica footage throughout the service. - If you want people to pay attention, you're going to need the latest in video technology. But if you just have worship lyrics or sermon points up there, no one's going to even look up from their games of Candy Crush. That's why you need to play all three and a half seasons of BSG on an endless loop. (It's too bad they never finished that fourth season; the ending of the show probably would have been great.)

4.) Have you considered a life-sized John Calvin statue? - We all know that Catholics worship the saints, and we Protestants must distance ourselves from Rome. So we need a statue in honor of Calvin, Luther, or Zwingli in a prominent place of honor.

5.) Remember: if no one has a seizure, you don't have enough flashing lights up there. - A lit stage needs lit lighting. Make sure to use enough strobe, laser, and colored light effects to make every single person in the service have a seizure.

6.) Spare no expense on elevating platforms for the worship band. - If it doesn't look like a KISS concert, your worshipers---sorry, we mean God's worshipers---will leave in droves for the church down the street that made the worship experience even sicker than yours.

7.) Trade your church's outdated cross for a giant American flag. - This is probably the most important piece of advice we can give you. A cross tells a seeker that their sin might need to be repented of. An American flag says "As long as you're not a Muslim or a foreigner, you're welcome here in God's country."

Well, go get with your Vision Pastor, Executive Pastor, Business Pastor, and Creative Arts Pastor and make this stuff happen!

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