ST. LOUIS, MO—Local pastor Brent Brooks has faithfully served at Wellsprings Faith Church for the past eight years, but the congregation is ready to move on: elders recently took Brooks to the pastor dealership, located at a nearby seminary, in order to trade him in for a newer model.
Brooks was performing his job admirably, but church members wanted something more exciting, with a built-in ability to relate to the cutting edge of the godless, secular culture.
“We’re looking for something a little more relevant,” Elder Bill Wendell told the salesman as they walked around the dealership lot, examining fresh new pastors. “Something with that ‘new pastor smell,’ you know what I mean?”
The dealer nodded. “We’ve got just the thing. Let’s get you set up with one of our 2018 models.” He gestured toward a 25-year-old man clutching a designer ESV Bible. “This is Aiden, and he’s fresh out of seminary and ready to take your church to the next level.” The elders circled the prospective new pastor, kicking his Doc Martens, before taking him out for a test preaching spin.
The dealership offered a $1,000 trade-in credit for the old pastor, but later told reporters they’re likely not going to be able to resell him. “Yeah, it’s sad. Sometimes we can auction them off to a church looking for a senior pastor or executive pastor, but a lot of times no one bids. That’s when we take them to the crusher.”