PROVO, UT — With 11 minutes of estimated assembly time and a single Allen wrench as a required toolset, the $38 IKEA bunk bed has been rated as "probably safe."

"It may look rickety, but come on – the Swedish don't put out second-rate products!" Local Dad Aaron Morey reassured his wife that the cork dowels and hard plastic rail screws would hold their toddlers safe in the hastily-assembled bed for at least 4-5 years. He gave the bed a hearty slap to drive home his point but quickly retracted his hand when the unit tottered and threatened to buckle from the force.

"Don't worry, sweetheart – from their fish to their pancakes, everything from that Nordic paradise is top-quality!"

According to sources, confusion arose at the store when Aaron put a TOLKNING bunk bed in their cart when his wife had clearly described a SKUBB BLÄDDRARE bunk bed, but the miscommunication was resolved by an employee at the checkout. The employee explained that the small plastic BESTA shelf pins from the TOLKNING unit would be inadequate to hold two 30-lb toddlers, but reassured them that the plywood-cardboard HOPEN bed frame and fiberglass Cam Nut Locks would be more than sturdy enough to keep their precious children safe.

At publishing time, Morey's wife had made her husband reinforce the bed with some 4x4 cedar posts.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.