At some point, every believer has wondered if the Rapture is imminent. It’s only natural to ask if Jesus is coming back today, tomorrow, or in fifty years. Now, we know that Jesus told us we can’t know the day or the hour, but we’re pretty sure we are the exception—because we’ve been staring pretty hard at star charts, numbers, newspaper headlines, and yes, even our Bibles, and we’ve cracked the code.
Jesus will return by December 31, 2018. There are millions of pieces of evidence all throughout the Bible, but we’ve narrowed it down to just the top 18. You’ll be convinced—we guarantee it.
1.) He didn’t come back every other time some quack predicted it, so this time it must be true. Every time someone’s come along and claimed that Jesus would come back in 1988, 2000, or 2012, that person’s been wrong. So the law of averages would seem to suggest that we’ve gotta be right at least one time. Maybe this is the one!
2.) The final “TRUMP” has resounded. Donald Trump = fulfillment of biblical prophecy. Make prophecy great again!
3.) We’re not totally sure how Obama ties in, but rest assured it’s all his fault. Thanks, Obama!
4.) 2018 breaks down to the formula 2 x 0 – 1 + 8 = 7, the number of the Lord. Wow! This is powerful evidence that 2018 is the year the great tribulation will kick off.
5.) The sheeple are finally waking up to global conspiracies like chemtrails, the moon landing hoax, and the globe earth myth. The new world order is going to rise up to crush those who have discovered the truth that we’re living on a flat earth and we’re covered in nasty government chem trails. The tribulation will soon follow these upheavals! Stay strong, Christian soldiers!
6.) Something about Israel and a bear and a dragon. Israel is a nation again, and the Bible talks about bears and dragons and harlots and stuff. We’re not sure how that all connects, but you’d better look to the skies. It’s happening!
7.) The 2010 Karate Kid remake. Our top sources in the spiritual realm told us that judgment day was moved up a few centuries once Jaden Smith’s remake of the classic ’80s film hit theatres.
8.) Hal Lindsey got raptured last week, and the Bible says he will be taken roughly one year before everyone else. This fulfillment of biblical prophecy puts the start of the tribulation squarely in 2018. Hal Lindsey’s rapture was just the firstfruits of what is coming.
9.) Well, whaddya know. The laptop we’re typing this up on just hit 18% battery life. Coincidence? I think not. Make sure to pay attention to seemingly random numbers throughout your day, and you too can become a biblical numerology expert.
10.) Stranger Things hit in 2016. Stranger Things Season 2 hits in 2017. What does this leave for us in 2018? Nothing but fire and brimstone.
11.) Some guy on the internet told us so in a crazed YouTube video called WEEKLY PROPHECY UPDATE. What’s more reliable than reading prophetic texts with a grounded hermeneutic? Crazed YouTube videos, that’s what! If a guy who calls himself the Third Eagle of the Apocalypse says Jesus is coming back, who are we to question him?
12.) Tim Keller’s church recently pulled off this really weird ballet dance thing that made us kinda uncomfortable. We watched this video earlier this year, and we weren’t sure what we were seeing, but we’re gonna have to err on the side of caution and conclude it’s a pretty clear sign that the coming of the Lord is at hand.
13.) Climate change is making hurricanes and turning the frogs gay. Every time the average global temperature moves up a tick, the Lord is one step closer to whisking us all way to the sky. Not to mention all the hurricanes and gay frogs! Hurry up, Jesus!
14.) The voices in my head told me so. We’ve all been having these crazy dreams where a voice whispers, “Jesus is coming back in 2018” very clearly to us. The voice sounds a little bit like Christopher Walken. Preeeeeeetty sure that’s indisputable proof of a 2018 rapture date.
15.) We bought Chick-fil-A for lunch recently and the total was $20.18. Can you say “sign from God?” Because we sure can!
16.) 2018 backwards is 8102, which probably has something to do with Daniel or Revelation or something. Amazing!
17.) If you stay up for 48 hours straight, drink lots of coffee, and squint really hard at “2018” it kinda looks like Jesus. Try it. It really works! This is just more confirmation that our prophecy is going to come true!
18.) Because nobody will buy a prophecy book that says we simply can’t know when the End Times will kick off. We’re gonna level with you here: we simply can’t sell you a boring line like “Jesus is coming soon, but we’re not sure exactly when, so trust in Him for salvation and pursue holiness.” How many copies would that book sell? 3 or 4? But if we set a date, we’re sure to rake in the big book royalty dollars.
There you have it, crystal clear! Now get your affairs in order!
Note: Due to the volatile nature of biblical prophecy, The Babylon Bee reserves the right to retract our prediction after 12:00 a.m. on January 1, 2019, postpone the date by a couple years, and retain all credibility as a source of prophetic predictions. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.