The nation was rocked to its core this week after a substance later determined to be cocaine was found in the West Wing of the White House. The always-trustworthy and not-in-any-way-corrupt D.C. Police Department immediately launched a very thorough 15-minute investigation to learn the identity of the culprit.
While it's unlikely we'll ever know who could have possibly brought cocaine into the house where President Biden and his crack-addicted son were staying, The Babylon Bee has obtained a list of 15 other things found at the White House during the search:
- Three more illegitimate children of Hunter Biden
- Dead hookers
- Live hookers
- $72 billion marked "For Zelenskyy"
- Teddy Roosevelt's skateboard
- Jill Biden's Fisher-Price pretend doctor's kit
- Dominion voting machine programming manual
- Scrapbook containing Hunter Biden's baby teeth...and his adult teeth.
- Ray Epps
- A notebook labeled "Chairman Xi's To-Do List"
- 30 suitcases left behind by Sam Brinton
- List of unsecured locations of classified documents
- Hunter's other laptop (where he keeps the REALLY bad stuff)
- A closet full of adult diapers
- Glass vial labeled "Next Pandemic — Save for 2024"
As you can see, the White House is thankfully now free of cocaine — or any other illegal activity. Thanks for getting that taken care of, D.C. Police!
California transplants Steve and Timpani try to be the perfect Texas hosts for Brittuni's visit, but Steve quickly realizes he needs a sensible vehicle now that he's about to become a dad.
