The nation was rocked to its core this week after a substance later determined to be cocaine was found in the West Wing of the White House. The always-trustworthy and not-in-any-way-corrupt D.C. Police Department immediately launched a very thorough 15-minute investigation to learn the identity of the culprit.

While it's unlikely we'll ever know who could have possibly brought cocaine into the house where President Biden and his crack-addicted son were staying, The Babylon Bee has obtained a list of 15 other things found at the White House during the search:

1. Three more illegitimate children of Hunter Biden
2. Dead hookers
3. Live hookers
4. $72 billion marked "For Zelenskyy"
5. Teddy Roosevelt's skateboard
6. Jill Biden's Fisher-Price pretend doctor's kit
7. Dominion voting machine programming manual
8. Scrapbook containing Hunter Biden's baby teeth...and his adult teeth.
9. Ray Epps
10. A notebook labeled "Chairman Xi's To-Do List"
11. 30 suitcases left behind by Sam Brinton
12. List of unsecured locations of classified documents
13. Hunter's other laptop (where he keeps the REALLY bad stuff)
14. A closet full of adult diapers
15. Glass vial labeled "Next Pandemic — Save for 2024"

As you can see, the White House is thankfully now free of cocaine — or any other illegal activity. Thanks for getting that taken care of, D.C. Police!

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