Just when you thought the woke monster couldn't add another victim, it took down one of its most surprising targets yet: the Grand Theft Auto franchise. How, exactly, does a game that already mines the depths of human depravity turn itself woke? Here are 11 changes coming with the release of Grand Theft Auto 6:
1. You must pick pronouns during character creation: No one starts unleashing violence and mayhem on the city without first announcing if it's her, him, or xem in the car.
2. Police won't chase you if you're a black character: If you go inside a building, they will also give you an hour before they try to enter.
3. Players will have a carbon footprint score in addition to a health meter: Driving around will decrease your score, but you can run over people to eliminate their carbon footprint and make up for it.
4. If you burn down a building, the city builds a statue in your honor: And you torch an entire neighborhood, you get the city named after you.
5. You immediately get a 5-star wanted level if you misgender an NPC: How dare you!! You're supposed to shoot them in the face!
6. There will be side missions where you deliver puberty blockers to kids: Now you are on the right side of history.
7. If the police do catch you, Kamala Harris will bail you out: Well, assuming you were burning down a poor neighborhood.
8. Stealing less than $999 is no longer a crime: Add up your loot carefully.
9. Bump stocks are no longer available on guns: Game designers are confident this is the key to reducing the body count.
10. Citizens come by to cheer prostitutes who embody female empowerment: Grand Theft Auto was teaching female empowerment before female empowerment was cool.
11. You beat the game by ridding yourself of privilege: Best we can tell this means you just run over the white people.
Welcome to the new age, Grand Theft Auto!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
