So, we've had a bad run lately. In spite of it all, after 248 years of America being the greatest nation on the planet, we're still number one. Sure, some around the world are beginning to wonder if America lost its touch. No, by Paul Bunyan — we've been winning for so long, we've just plain forgotten how to lose.
Here are just ten of the many, many reasons that America remains the greatest country on earth:
Undefeated in every war: Occasionally we do get bored and go do something else, but no one beats America at war. No one!
You can go to a baseball game and watch people dressed as hot dogs race each other: Greatness personified.
We literally invented electricity: Thank you, Benjamin Franklin.
We have far more Texas than other nations: A total shutout. How embarrassing for the rest of the world.
Drive on the correct side of the road: The right side, as God intended. America wins again.
Runners-up: Canada, Mexico, a few random Asian countries.
We have sensible measuring units: Talk to us about your silly metric system when you put someone on the moon.
Buc-ee's: What more can you say?
Best Mexican food on the planet: It's not particularly close. We also graciously perfected Italian food with stuffed crust pizza.
We're not Britain: Enjoy working on July 4th, Britain!
Runners-up: Everyone else, except for Britain.
Most SEC football championships: The only sport that counts, commies. U-S-A!
We bet you didn't even know America was capable of this much winning! Happy Fourth of July!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
