We're several days into a new school year, and if your kid hasn't been suspended yet, you may need to take a hard look at what type of child you're raising. It doesn't take much these days for a kid to get kicked out of public school, even if it's just the tiniest amount of patriotism!
The Babylon Bee is here to help prepare you for the inevitability of your child's suspension by listing the following items certain to get them booted from school.
- Books that don't include graphic sexual content: Non-queer books are far-right propaganda.
- Spiffy sport coat and bow tie: Teachers know an homage to Tucker Carlson when they see one. Disgusting.
- White skin: Having white skin is a gateway drug to fascism.
- A poster in their locker of Ellen Page: He's ELLIOT, you dead-naming bigot!
- An 8-foot-tall cardboard cutout of Christopher Columbus: Everyone who sees it will be traumatized!
- High-capacity assault facts: Facts are violence!
- Independent thinking: That's not what school is for!!
- Buffalo hat: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
- Jeremy's Chocolate bars: Hate-candy is strictly prohibited.
- A copy of The Babylon Bee Guide To Gender: Available for pre-order now!
If your child is taking any of the items listed above to school, go ahead and prepare to have them spend more time with you at home (which may not be the worst thing).
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.