Happy 4th of July! Our benevolent and wise King Joe Biden has mercifully granted us loyal subjects a generous $0.16 savings on our cookout expenses this year. Wow! Thanks Biden! You may be having a hard time deciding where to spend your newfound wealth, but we're here to help!
Here are 10 great ways to spend your 16 cents:
1) Go ahead and splurge on that extra packet of ketchup: You've probably never experienced the pure decadence of applying extra ketchup to your fries. Here's your chance! Only one extra packet per guest though-- let's not go crazy here.
2) Apply it toward a down payment for getting the hole in your old leather shoe repaired: With only 499 more payments of $0.16, you'll finally get that pesky hole fixed! All thanks to our president!
3) Go back in time to 1906 and treat yourself to 16 pieces of penny candy at the general store: You haven't lived until you've experienced the childlike joy of penny candy from a century-old general store. We heard they even put opium and stuff in their candy back then. Nice.
4) You can finally round up that coffee order to help the children's hospital: Imagine how many lives you'll save.
5) Buy .00000045 of one Bitcoin: Start that retirement nest egg now! By the time you retire, maybe you'll have enough to buy 16 pieces of candy at a modern candy store!
6) Buy a second paper mask just to be safe: Actually, $0.16 won't be enough to buy a new mask. Maybe you can buy a used mask from a homeless guy. Protect yourself from the Delta variant!
7) Tell the wife to go into town and get herself something nice: You'll be husband of the year! Just make sure she doesn't go to Aldi. The carts cost $.25 so she won't get very far.
8) Put a single drop of gas in the tank: Then go on a trip to the end of your driveway!
9) Donate it to the Democrat Party to thank them for looking out for you: If you want to keep seeing great savings like this, you'll have to make sure Democrats keep getting elected.
10) Send it to the government to help pay down the national debt: Chip away at that pesky national debt-- that grew by $2 billion while you were reading this sentence.
Go forth and spend wisely, you lucky dog, you!
NOT SATIRE: We saved the best idea for last. For a limited time, just $0.16 will buy you a month's subscription to The Babylon Bee! Follow this link to subscribe and join the Bee army for just 16 cents for the first month!
