The entire world is still abuzz with former President Donald Trump's announcement of the release of his new "God Bless the USA" Bible, but people have wondered what sets this new edition of the Bible apart from all others before it.
The Babylon Bee has obtained an advance copy and can unveil the following list of changes in Trump's new Bible:
- Moses has to hold up the American flag so Israelites can win in battle: Waving Old Glory gives the Hebrews the victory.
- Proverbs is replaced with a collection of Trump's finest tweets: A book full of wisdom, 280 characters at a time.
- The New Testament now includes the full text of Trump: The Art of the Deal: The two greatest books in history are now together in one volume.
- Joseph's colorful coat is orange: A very beautiful orange. People loved the orange coat. Everyone says so.
- Jesus is betrayed by a kiss from Mike Pence: Never trusted Pence. Short guy, fly on head. Not trustworthy.
- All biblical villains now have nicknames: Including "Phony Pharaoh," "Nasty Nebuchadnezzar," and "Lyin' Lucifer."
- The first apostle Jesus calls is Ben Franklin: Put down your kite and follow me!
- 23rd Psalm replaced with lyrics to "American Pie": Such a beautiful song. Let's Make Psalm 23 Great Again!
- Ravens feed Elijah by bringing him a Big Mac and fries: God provides the best food for His people.
- Jesus doesn't die in this one: People prefer stories where the hero doesn't die.
That's just a few examples of the exciting additions to the most sacred text in human history. Order your copy today and have God's Word autographed by Trump as a free gift!
