RALEIGH, NC — At a rally following a disastrous debate performance, a guy who has spent the last few years imprisoning his political opponents warned the crowd that if Donald Trump is elected, he will imprison his political opponents.

The frightening accusation that Trump will use the power of the federal government to persecute his enemies seemed to have a significant impact coming from the man who has gained extensive experience in using the power of the federal government to persecute his most prominent enemies.

"This is serious business, folks," Biden said to his assembled supporters. "The idea… that someone would use the power of… the power… their office… to seek revenge on their political opponents goes against everything… goes against all of the… goes… goes against… is an attempt to destroy democracy. That is why I have spent the last three years deploying the Justice Department against Donald Trump to put him in prison. Larbinffermonder."

Political analysts praised Biden's powerful warning as a sign that he's still capable of serving in the highest office in the land. "We all thought he was done after that terrible debate," said one insider. "To see him come out at that campaign rally and accuse Trump of plotting to do exactly what Biden's been doing was a political masterstroke. He may not be able to string together a coherent sentence, but he's still incredibly presidential."

At publishing time, the Biden campaign issued a statement ordering all voters to re-elect Biden to save the country or face persecution and imprisonment if they refused.

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