To Protect Against Protesters, Louvre Equips Mona Lisa With Laser Eyes
World · Jan 30, 2024 ·

PARIS — Leonardo DaVinci's famous Mona Lisa has reportedly been retrofitted with laser eyes by security at the Louvre in response to attacks by activists attempting to vandalize the painting for attention.

"Visitors have always remarked how Mona Lisa seems to be looking at them wherever they are standing," said Louvre head of security Dominique Javert while eating a baguette and smoking a cigarette in one of those long cigarette holder thingies. "Now, visitors should know that her piercing gaze comes equipped with a pair of 10-kilowatt laser blasters ready to vaporize anyone who would vandalize her."

According to sources, the laser eyes neutralized two climate protestors, who were instantly incinerated before the eyes of dozens of witnesses after they attempted to smear the painting with a coat of Jell-O.

"We demand that the European Union stop all use of fossil fue — AAAAAHHHHHHHHHGHHHHHH!" said one unfortunate protestor as the deadly lasers targeted him.

The laser eyes are designed to blend in with the painting, only beginning to glow red with the fire of a thousand suns once a proximity alarm is breached. The super-heated eyes will then immediately fire upon anyone who appears "grungy" or is carrying an open container of liquid. The Louvre has advised all museum guests to avoid bringing beverages into the Mona Lisa Room because the advanced AI powering the laser eyes will be unable to differentiate between an activist and a guest drinking water.

"There will be collateral damage," representatives of the Louvre said in a statement announcing the heightened security. "But that's a risk we're willing to take."

At publishing time, security had also been forced to retrofit the marble statue Venus de Milo with bionic arms and a machine gun.

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