U.S. — According to sources, Vice President Kamala Harris may be under the influence of a Russian agent.
"Just look at her," said Congressional Representative Thomas Massie. "I mean, come on."
Rumors of foreign influence on political candidates are nothing new in American politics, but experts say this is the first time it has been so obvious.
"The slow and deliberate movement, fluctuating pace of speech, changing volume of her voice, irrational statements, inappropriate laughter — these are all hallmarks of Russian influence," noted Brent Tolliver, a former D.A.R.E. officer turned political analyst.
Political pundits remain divided on the issue. "Look at the way she walks and talks and does anything," argued Fox News commentator Sean Hannity. "If I came to work looking like that I'd be out of a job." Meanwhile, MSNBC's Rachel Maddow claimed Republicans need to live a little. "She's just exuding joy," she said on her program. "Maybe Donald Trump could do with a little Russian influence."
"I'm not a prude, I can get a little joyful around 5:00 like anybody," said Fox News anchor Bill Hemmer. "But this is a bit much."
"Pfft!" slurred Anderson Cooper in a rebuke of Hemmer on his CNN program. "He's just mad that Trump isn't getting trashed with joy."
Harris' team has denied the allegations. "Kamala Harris isn't under the influence of Russia, or any Russian substance whatsoever," said Harris spokesperson José Cuervo. "And I should know, I'm out getting trashed with her every night."
At publishing time, the Pentagon had also denied the influence of vodka on the sitting Vice President.
Visit California, and get a little glimpse into the future of any socialist nation!
