WASHINGTON, DC — In a heartwarming display of paternal affection, President Biden has responded to his son Hunter's conviction on three federal felony gun charges by reminding the nation that he is still proud of Hunter for getting away with everything else he did.
The president's inspiring words of support and affirmation for his son praised him for getting away with other crimes, such as drug possession, underage sex trafficking, and bribery.
"And speaking of the America, I'd like to remind you all that I'm very proud of, you know, the thing! Hunter!" President Biden said as the White House staffer who was supposed to be making sure he didn't get into trouble flushed red and waved his arms in a desperate attempt to get Biden to stop talking. "I'm so proud of that Hunter boy, not only for what he's done to get him in this frugecuielneug… but for all the things he got away with, too. So many things! PAUSE. Always, you know - putting aside 10% for the big guy, that's what Hunter does. Good boy, Hunter."
Biden was forced to pause as several White House staffers whisked him away off stage and claimed that he was "already late for another engagement."
At publishing time, several reporters were seen wiping away tears at the sight of the president's paternal care before editing anything Biden mentioned about Hunter out of their articles.
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