LOS ANGELES, CA — Just one day after signing the richest contract in baseball history, Shohei Ohtani has reportedly begun having second thoughts about the Dodgers after meeting his new hitting coaches.

"Hilarious joke, guys," said Ohtani after being introduced to the Satanic drag queens. "A little terrifying, but good joke. Okay now, where are the real hitting coaches?"

According to sources, Ohtani's eyes became steadily filled with horror and regret as the Dodgers' manager explained that the psychotic drag nuns were, in fact, his new hitting coaches. The drag queens reportedly took no offense, as they were too busy twerking on a cross out in left field. Ohtani looked around helplessly, then slunk to the locker room as Clayton Kershaw comforted him with a hug.

"I've made a huge mistake," said Ohtani through an interpreter. "These people, they are things out of waking nightmares. Am I in hell? I just wanted to play baseball, and now I may never sleep again."

At publishing time, Ohtani had reportedly asked his agent if that one team that doesn't celebrate Pride Night would sign him for $20 and a pair of New Balance shoes.

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