WASHINGTON, D.C. — A great upheaval was felt across the political landscape today as the most popular president in history was inundated with calls to step down.
President Joe Biden, recipient in 2020 of more votes than any other human being in the chronicles of humankind, was surprised to learn that despite his status as the unequivocally most beloved and favored presidential candidate in history, he was on the receiving end of a seemingly endless string of public calls for him to leave office.
"What a bunch of malarkey," Biden said to reporters when asked about the mounting pressure for him to drop out of the race. "The idea… the idea... the idea... er, uh... the idea that the president who got more votes than any candidate ever and defeated Donald Trump even though nobody came to my rallies or watched my YouTube videos… look, folks… I'm not out here to say that I'm… everyone likes to come out of the woodwork to… the entire time that I've been… that I've… been serving in the United States Senate… and I don't have to prove myself to… to show that… that I'm… well, anyway."
Biden was shuffled away by aides to conclude the brief statement.
Administration insiders were adamant that Biden would remain in the race due to his overwhelming popularity despite a growing number of prominent Democratic politicians, celebrities, media pundits, and business leaders calling for him to step away.
At publishing time, Democrat leaders confirmed that 100% of Biden's deceased voting block had also voiced their preference for him to drop out.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
