NEW YORK, NY — Embattled New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez fought back against allegations raised against him today, appearing in court to officially plead not guilty to all of the things he did.

"I'm completely innocent of these crimes I committed," Senator Menendez said in a statement to the media following the hearing. "While I most certainly perpetrated all of the illegal acts with which I am being unfairly charged, I am in no way guilty of them. The fact that I willingly took part in unlawful bribery schemes should not be misconstrued as an admission of guilt for these things I absolutely did. I look forward to being fully exonerated of these accusations of crimes I totally engaged in."

Menendez has faced heavy criticism from both sides of the political aisle, with calls for his resignation coming from prominent Republicans and Democrats alike. "Public office is no place for bribes," President Joe Biden said when asked for comment on the Menendez scandal. "Anyone who pays or accepts bribes while serving as an elected official should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law and face the consequences of — " The president was then abruptly pulled away from the podium and whisked away by Secret Service agents.

At publishing time, Senator Menendez had brushed off the growing calls to step down, again refused to resign, and staunchly vowed to remain in office and continue to find new ways to commit serious crimes for which he maintains he will be entirely innocent.

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