U.S. — After a cargo ship collided with Francis Scott Key Bridge in Baltimore causing the structure to collapse, President Biden gave a fiery speech in which he unequivocally called on ships everywhere to stop crashing into bridges.

"I mean it, folks! It's gotta stop!" said Biden to a small group of adoring fans in the press. "Ships have to stop with all the bumping into bridges and whatnot. If you're a ship and you're thinking about smashing a bridge, you'd better change your mind right now. I won't stand for it. That goes for trains, too. No more bridge crashing."

Biden then fell asleep standing up, as it had been over 2 hours since his last snooze.

Transportation Secretary Buttigieg also issued a statement from a private chateau where he is spending additional maternity leave with his adopted twins. "What we really need to determine here is if there was racism involved," he said. "Wherever you see large cargo vessels careening into bridges, you can bet that white supremacy is behind it. I promise to address this as soon as I'm back from my maternity leave."

Biden later awoke from his snooze to issue one last dire warning to ships everywhere, and offer hope to the American people. "This essential piece of transportation infrastructure will be built back better," he said. "After spending $300 billion and 32 years, we'll have that ol' bridge back as good as new! Except this time we'll name it after a black hero, such as George Floyd."

At publishing time, Biden was forced to double-down on his bold rhetoric after the Goodyear Blimp collided with the Brooklyn Bridge.

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