ASHEVILLE, NC — FEMA arrested Noah this week after they caught the prophet attempting to help rescue people afflicted by the floods.
"This is an unapproved rescue operation and we will not tolerate such behavior," FEMA Spokesman Randy Tarwater told the press. "We apprehended Noah and his so-called ‘ark' attempting to save human and animal lives. That's not what FEMA represents."
After Hurricane Helene annihilated entire communities, the Prophet Noah steered his ark into needy areas to help rescue stranded Americans. FEMA reportedly blocked the seer and told him his saving people was really getting in the way.
"I tried to bring a large shipment of food and water into Appalachia, but FEMA turned me back and told me if I tried to deliver any more supplies they'd arrest me," Noah said. "But I've never been one to take the directives of naysayers to heart so back I went! That's when a guy put me in handcuffs and hauled me away. FEMA even impounded my ark! I worked so hard on that thing."
As of publishing time, FEMA had confiscated all Noah's animals and auctioned them off to pay for another $50 billion to Ukraine.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
