U.S. — In a shocking turn of events, the Epstein List was found hanging in a secure document storage facility this morning, according to local authorities.
"This is such a tragedy for many of us who desperately wanted to know who was on that list," said former Presidential candidate and document security expert Hillary Clinton. "Now we'll sadly never know. My thoughts and prayers are with the family of this 'Epstein List,' may it rest in peace."
Authorities confirmed the list was found hanging by a rope tied to an overhead beam, and that it had killed itself completely of its own accord.
The list was cremated and buried this morning.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
