WASHINGTON, D.C. — After seeing Elmo's incredible knack for connecting with the average American, President Biden has officially announced Elmo as the new White House Press Secretary.
"Elmo is so happy to be here! Elmo loves talking about Iran! Hahaha!" said Elmo as he hosted his first press conference. "Elmo loves new friends! Peter, do you want to be Elmo's friend??"
According to sources, Biden had been looking for months to replace Karine Jeanne-Pierre. Although the administration realized they could take heat for firing a black lesbian, they felt appointing the first Muppet would overcome any backlash. "People may miss Jeanne-Pierre, but when they see Elmo's smiling face, I think they're going to change their tune," said Biden as he buried his face in Elmo's chest. "Elmo just knows people. Also, letters. Oh man, that red smells good!"
Elmo reportedly took every single question from the White House Press Corps, a welcome change from the previous Press Secretary. "Why did the President arrest people for praying at an abortion clinic? Hahaha! That's so funny! Hahaha!" said Elmo. "Elmo doesn't know why we gave high-tech weapons and billions of dollars to the people attacking our own troops! Maybe I can ask my goldfish! Hahaha!"
At publishing time, Elmo had reportedly been arrested by Capitol Police for the assault and battery of Peter Doocy.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
