WASHINGTON, D.C. — The most popular American president in human memory was "incredibly bummed" to realize that he could have stayed in the presidential race if he had just not answered questions or never once spoken to the media.

"Wha…did that broad just get my place — you know, the thing — by not talking to the press?" Biden reportedly stuttered in frustration. "Like, well…come on, Jack! I only had one job and I blew it…well…anyway."

According to sources within the White House, Biden was incredibly crestfallen to hear that he had fallen for the elementary blunders of talking to the press and attempting to answer their questions. However, his sorry could hardly compare to the rage of his wife, Dr. Jill Biden. "She saw that all he would have had to do is shut up for a few months, and she kinda lost it," said an aide, who spoke under condition of anonymity. "It really threw her for a loop. She started screaming something about the best laid plans of mice and men and weeping sorrowfully on various pieces of furniture in the Oval Office. It was weird."

At publishing time, Biden had also been disappointed to learn that he might have been able to assume the presidency during his tenure as VP if he had just slept with the boss, too.

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