Biden Announces Plan To Pretend To Care About The Border Until November 6
Politics · Jun 5, 2024 ·

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With political pressure mounting over the continued border crisis, President Biden has announced a plan to pretend to care about the issue until November 6.

"After issuing executive orders to open the border and let ten million migrants through, we want everyone to know that now President Biden cares very deeply about border security," said Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, winking for effect. "We 'don't want people crossing the border' to 'vote for Biden' and 'inflate Electoral College votes for Democratic states'," explained Jean-Pierre doing little scare quotes.

According to sources, internal polling on the issue showed that voters would trust a mentally-handicapped rabbit to handle the border over President Biden. "We've got to do something while still letting illegals in. But what?" wondered Democratic strategist Arlo Miles at a meeting. "Wait, I've got it! What if we... pretended to care about the border? It's just so crazy, it might work!"

Journalists praised Biden for his incredible work acting like he cared about the border. "Biden has done an incredible job seeming like this crisis interests him," said MSNBC's Joe Scarbarough. "Biden is such a great leader, and actor, and he's just so handsome and wonderful...and WHY WON'T HE RETURN MY CALLS? WHY?? I LOVE YOU JOE!!!"

At publishing time, White House sources confirmed they planned to keep up the clever ruse for approximately five months and one day.

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