The Chesterton Prophecies And The Eccentric Elon Musk News Show 12.18.2020

This is the Babylon Bee Weekly News Podcast for the week of 12/18/2020.

In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week’s biggest stories like Elon Musk noticing our fine journalism, Dr. Jill Biden expertly saving a life with just a podium and a microphone, Disney announcing 7,562 new Star Wars shows. They also discuss how prolific and prophetic G.K. Chesterton was writing over a century ago. There’s stuff that’s good, weird news, glorious hate mail, and unintentional rambunctious reindeer.

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Introduction

Kyle is getting old and the guys discuss whether walking on one’s back is a remedy. On the plus side, Kyle read all of Abigail Shrier’s book Irreversible Damage. Kyle and Ethan remember Ebaumsworld and Newgrounds and how his Mission To The Moon music video is getting some attention recently.

Stuff That’s Good

Kyle likes the board game Sonar.

Ethan likes Scythian album Roots and Stones.

Weird News

Porch pirate steals bait box filled with cat poop

  • An Ontario, Canada woman fed up with package thieves said she left a box of poop on her front porch -- and it was stolen within 40 minutes.

Precious painting lost at German airport found at dumpster

  • A surrealist painting worth more than a quarter million euros ($340,000) that was forgotten by a businessman at Duesseldorf's airport has been recovered from a nearby recycling dumpster, police said Thursday.

Woman receives birthday card mailed by her late mother in 2015

  • An Ohio woman said a birthday card her mother mailed to her in 2015 finally arrived this month -- two years after the older woman's death.

Man buys 160 tickets for one lottery drawing, wins 160 times

  • A Virginia man said he had "a feeling" about some numbers he copied down from a TV show that led to his buying 160 tickets for a single lottery drawing -- and winning $800,000.

  • Kwame Cross of Dumfries told Virginia Lottery officials he bought 160 tickets for the Pick 4's Dec. 5 night drawing from the Roselyn Sunoco in Arlington and all of the tickets bore the same number combination: 7314.

  • "I saw an address in a TV show, in the background, and for some reason it stayed with me," he told Lottery officials. "I just had a feeling."

  • Each of Cross' 160 tickets won a $5,000 top prize in the drawing, for a grand total of $800,000.

Marvel's Star-Lord is apparently now a polyamorous bisexual

  • In the most recent comic issue, the superhero finds himself teleported to a mysterious dimension named Morinus, a place of "rebirth," where Star-Lord spends 150 years with an alien man and an alien woman while only a few short months pass in our world.

  • As he embraces his two lovers, the alien tells him, "Congratulations, Peter Quill. The you-that-was is over. You're newborn, and ready to learn our ways."

Google sends 7-year-old warning that his parents are monitoring his account and WAY too many people are okay with that.

  • Robby Starbuck says, “Our 7 year old son has to have google for homeschooling so naturally we setup parental controls but look what @Google did. They sent my son an email to tell him his privacy is important to them and telling him we’re supervising his account. “

Genius! These codebreakers just cracked the Zodiac Killer's infamous 340 cipher, 51 YEARS after it was first published.

  • They cracked it by assigning letters to the symbols, reading it systematically in a diagonal manner, and transposing one of the lines that the killer (accidentally?) had off by one character.

Teacher assistant mortified after missing rude detail on Christmas cardigan 

  • Teaching assistant didn’t notice the romping reindeer on the front when she bought the knitwear at a car boot sale 

Sentence spelled out by balloons breaks Guinness record

  • A party balloon company broke a Guinness World Record in Florida by using 7,236 balloons to spell out the phrase: "Success has nothing to do with luck, it is a matter of consistency."

  • Balloonfest ‘86 is what Ethan was thinking about and we promised to find it and link to it.

Stories of the Week

Story 1 - Man Chokes In Restaurant, Dr. Jill Biden Springs Into Action To Deliver Educational Lecture
Summary:  As Dr. Jill Biden and her husband went out to eat over the weekend, a man began choking on his Denver omelet. But lucky for him, Dr. Jill Biden was there, and she is a doctor.

"We need a doctor here!" cried a waiter. "Is there a doctor in the house?"
Dr. Jill Biden sprang into action. "I'm a doctor!" she said, rushing over. "I'm going to need a podium and a microphone, stat!" After a busboy hurried over with the life-saving tools she would need, Dr. Jill Biden thanked him and then began delivering a speech on meeting students' needs at the community college level.

  • An op-ed in the Wall Street Journal by Joseph Epstein sparked a debate over calling Jill Biden a “doctor” since she is not a medical doctor but has a doctorate in education.

  • "Madame First Lady — Mrs. Biden — Jill — kiddo," the piece begins. "Any chance you might drop the 'Dr.' before your name? 'Dr. Jill Biden' sounds and feels fraudulent, not to say a touch comic."

  • Epstein went on to argue that the prestige of doctorates and honorary degrees has been diminished by political correctness and the relaxation of academic standards before urging Biden to "forget the small thrill of being Dr. Jill, and settle for the larger thrill of living for the next four years in the best public housing in the world as First Lady Jill Biden."

  • Conservative pundits pointed to the episode as an example of what they say is a quickness on the part of the political left to be offended. 

  • "I'm sorry. Telling a white lady in her late 60s that she should stop calling herself doctor because she is not an actual medical doctor, that is not sexist. It's not," commentator Ben Shapiro

  • Hillary Clinton tweeted: Her name is Dr. Jill Biden. Get used to it.

  • Lots of politicos on Twitter were changing their bio and hilarity ensued.

Story 2 - The Babylon Bee Presents An Exclusive Inside Look At 15 Upcoming Star Wars Shows

Summary: Disney announced about 7,562 new Star Wars shows yesterday. But that's just the tip of the iceberg, as more shows are soon to follow. We at The Babylon Bee have a Star Wars insider (we're not saying it's Gina Carano, but we're not not saying it). We asked her -- or him, or them -- what shows have yet to be announced, and they were able to tease these upcoming shows. They sound amazing!

Story 3 - Immediately After Moving To Texas, Elon Musk Announces Tesla AR-15

Summary: After years of fighting lame California politicians who want to lock everyone in their homes so they can't go to space or build cool stuff, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced he was moving to a land flowing with milk and honey called Texas. Almost immediately after the move, he announced a new product the whole world has been waiting for: the Tesla AR-15.

  • Elon Musk really is moving to Texas

  • Elon has a strange obsession with The Babylon Bee

  • He said we were “savage” on Twitter.

  • He also weirdly tagged us under an Onion story.

  • What else could he create?

Topic of the Week: Top Prophetic Chesterton Quotes

G.K. Chesterton was a prolific and seemingly prophetic writer. Kyle and Ethan discuss.

Hate Mail

Ethan delivers a moving rendition of Linda not appreciating our satire when it targets her personal political hero and we discover a new word to describe journalism that makes us think of the bathroom.

Subscriber Portion

Bonus Chesterton Prophecies/Quotes

Mailbag

  • Caleb R. writes in to tell Ethan he is not alone with his toddler poop struggles.

Bonus Hate Mail

  • Someone was looking for highbrow content and mental stimulation and was sorely disappointed when he flipped out The Babylon Bee Podcast.

Email your cool stories for subscriber exclusive reading to [email protected]

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