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This is the Babylon Bee Weekly News Podcast for the week of 10/9/2020.

In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week’s biggest stories like Democrats hoping Trump “gets dead soon” after coming down with coronavirus, USA Today keeping the internet safe from satire, and Bee kids sending The Babylon Bee their best headline pitches. Kyle and Ethan also talk about murderous witches, Satanic billboards, and fat bears and get a chance to speak with filmmaker Matt Chastain about his new movie Small Group.

Introduction

Kyle hatches a scheme to fly across the country to be with his family and Kyle and Ethan discuss how kids age a parent.

Stuff That’s Good

Kyle likes his son’s  YouTube channel Punk Rock Kid

Ethan likes Brian Regan

Weird News

• Teen secures record for world's longest female legs

  • She is from Texas, 17 years old, 6’10” and has the longest legs record but not tallest woman (who happens to be 7’3” from Russia)

  • Taller than Doug TenNapel

• Palm tree takes trimmer for wild ride high over the ground

  • A tree trimmer in California went for a wild ride on a tall palm tree when cutting the fronds free caused the tree trunk to whip upright from a bent-over position.

• Man puts 125 scoops on an ice cream cone for world record

  • The 125 scoops were balanced on a single waffle cone

• US jails man who bought Lamborghini with government loan

  • He took out a 1.6 million dollar loan from the government for coronavirus lockdown aid and got noticed when he spent  200 grand on the car.

• Accused Killer Convinced Her Tinder Date to Join Murderous Coven of Witches

  • The couple accused of fatally strangling 24-year-old Sydney Loofe after wooing her on a dating app allegedly convinced at least one other Tinder date that they controlled a coven of witches who gained their powers by killing people.

  • “To get your power, you have to breathe in their last breath,” a witness, referred to on the stand as A.H., testified

• Satanic Temple Sues Billboard Company for Declining Abortion ‘Religious Ritual’ Advertisements

  • They’re trying to argue their religious freedom demands their right to an abortion and are suing the billboard company for religious discrimination for not putting up their billboard

• Fat Bear Week 2020 crowns chunkster "Earl of Avoirdupois" as fattest bear

  • Each week people had to vote between two bears on who they think is the fattest in a bracket

  • The winner was 1400 pounds roughly

Kindergarten teacher gets fired for tattooing his eyeballs black 

• Kindergarten teacher has spent 450 hours under the tattoo gun and still teaches ages 6 and up. Check out the picture!

Stories of the Week

Story 1

Trump’s Hospital Room Flooded With 'Get Dead Soon' Cards From Democrats

Summary:  It’s been a trying time for the country and President Donald Trump as he has been stuck at Walter Reed Medical Center trying to get better. Keeping Trump company is a flood of cards from Democrats wishing him to “Get dead soon.”

“I hope you die!”, “You deserve this!”, and “I want you to die and go to hell -- Russian hell!” read some of the cards sent by poor-wishers, cards that now decorate the president's room. Such cards have become so popular that Hallmark has added a “For Sick Presidents You Don’t Like” section, including some humorous ones where a cartoon cat dances on Trump’s grave.

• Trump got COVID, so did a bunch of people at the White House.

• Media seemed pretty pumped that the President could die on Friday when it was announced that he has contracted the virus

• Trump walked himself to the helicopter on the White House lawn to go to the hospital “out of an abundance of caution”

• He posted several photos and videos over the weekend showing him working and thanking his supporters. Internet conspiracies went nuts about reflections on the table in the photos, the timestamps in the exif data, Trump seemingly signing a blank piece of paper i.e. “He staged these photos! He’s not working or he doesn’t have COVID!”

• The Media and bluecheck types seemed to either think Trump was faking COVID or was covering up how bad his situation was. 

• Trump rode around in an SUV to thank gathered supporters and wave

• Trump was released from the hospital Monday.

Story 2

Governor Whitmer Refuses To Throw Ring Of Power Back Into Fires Of Mount Doom

Summary: In legal news, a Michigan Supreme Court has ordered Governor Gretchen Whitmer to throw the Ring of Power, which she has wielded to enact tyrannical coronavirus restrictions upon her citizens, back into the fires of Mount Doom.

"Nooo! Not my precious!" Whitmer screamed as the state Supreme Court handed down the order to destroy the Ring. "Nasty, nasty Constitution! We don't likes it! Nasty, fat Founding Fathers!" She turned and left.

• The court ruled 4-3 that Whitmer's decision to declare a state of emergency without approval from state legislators was unconstitutional

• She could declare a state of emergency but must get approval for extension "after 28 days” according to the law

• The plaintiffs in the case were health care providers who could not perform “nonessential” medical procedures due to the extension

• Also Mentioned: Go to our Youtube Channel and check out a music video that seemed like it came out forever ago.

Story 3

USA Today Publishes Fact-Check On Whether A Priest, A Rabbi, And A Minister Really Walked Into A Bar Together

Summary: After hearing someone tell a questionable story about how a priest, a rabbi, and a minister walked into a bar together, USA Today published a 1,200-word fact check on the tall tale. Citing over 15 sources to cast doubt on the story, USA Today handily dismantled the fib. 

• The Babylon Bee ran this story: Genius Trump Nominates Joe Biden To Supreme Court Forcing Dems To Accuse Him Of Sexual Assault

• USA TODAY actually fact checked this article with their story: Fact check: False claim suggesting Trump nominated Biden to the Supreme Court started out as satire

• They also fact checked Ninth Circuit Court Overturns Death Of Ruth Bader Ginsburg

• How many sources did they use to show this was factually inaccurate, morally true?

Topic of the Week: 

Christians making movies with Small Group Director Matt Chastain.

Also we asked subscribers to Send Us The Best Headline Pitches From Your Kids.

Hate Mail

We got a comment about the quiet man in plaid and the liberal in the Legend of Zelda t-shirt.

Subscriber Portion

MAILBAG

Sarah sends us a message asking about whether or not every Christian ought to have a “road to Damascus” conversion moment or a sense that “God told me” to know which way to go in life.

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