TUCSON, AZ - Zookeepers across the nation are reportedly scrambling to vaccinate all reptiles in captivity following the announcement that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has tested positive for COVID-19.
"COVID has officially jumped species," warned a representative from the American Organization of Zookeepers. "We've seen it jump to apes and household pets but now that reptiles are affected we have to work quickly."
This is not the first time a politician has been infected with the Coronavirus, but Pelosi is in a unique position as a confirmed reptilian overlord. The secret race of humanoids that disguise themselves to live among us and control our lives was previously thought to be invulnerable, but conspiracy theorists speculate Pelosi's addiction to alcohol and ice cream contributed to the infection.
"Reptilian humanoids are ancient creatures from an unnamed space quadrant the government doesn't want you to know about," said George Noory, host of the radio program Coast to Coast AM. "COVID might turn out to be a great thing if it wipes them off the face of the flat earth and allows us to see beyond the veil to all the UFOs and ghosts the government is hiding."
According to sources, zookeepers are separating reptilian species from each other and applying tiny little masks to their faces until they can receive a second dose of the vaccine. The Pfizer vaccine is not currently approved for reptiles (or any animals,) but given the support for human inoculation regardless of scientific data, zoologists figure injecting thousands of lizards won't hurt.
At publishing time, veterinarian hospitals were overrun with mildly coughing lizards on ventilators.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
