SAN BRUNO, CA—In light of the ongoing fight to halt the spread of dangerous or yucky opinions, YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki has announced new changes to Google's video-sharing platform. Starting next week, any video that does not begin with the glorious strains of China's uplifting national anthem will be immediately deleted from the platform.
"China is leading the world in not being evil," said Wojcicki in an interview as she showed off her new Chinese flag ankle tattoo. "They are, like, really good at human rights, and they have such a handsome president. It's only right that we acknowledge the great and glorious Red Dragon of the East in each and every video on our platform!"
YouTube creators will now be required to personally sing the Chinese Anthem while facing east before each and every video. They will also be required to hang a picture of President Xi in the background. In a press conference in which she wore her new CEO uniform featuring a Chinese military jacket covered with medals, Wojcicki insisted that this is a "modest, reasonable, and totally not evil" step for YouTube to take.
Controversy arose, however, when it was discovered that the opening lines of the anthem begin with the extremely problematic words: "With our flesh and blood, let us build this new Great Wall!" Wojcicki has assured stockholders that this is in no way an endorsement of Trump's border wall.
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