MUNCIE, IN—Local youth pastor Landon Baker was surprised to discover at this week's Wednesday night Bible study that he's the only person left on the planet still using the word "phat" in everyday conversation.
Baker reportedly uses the word all the time, from church executive board meetings to sermons to "just chillin' and doin' life together wit my peeps."
"What? The word phat is totally dope!" he said after several members of his youth group informed him literally nobody says "phat" anymore. "That is totally wack, you dig?" He argued that all the "tight" musical artists such as T-Bone, KJ-52, and Carman use the term.
"How can you say phat's not tight? Phat's totally tight!" he said, as youth groupers cringed in pain. He also pointed to his wallet at the end of his wallet chain, which had the word "PHAT" engraved in large Gothic lettering. "See? Phat's still in—it's right on this wallet I bought on the way to a Newsboys concert in '99."
Researchers corroborated the youth group's findings, confirming that Baker is literally the only person clinging to the outdated term in order to make himself seem cool, approachable, and relatable.
At publishing time, horrified youth group members had begged Baker to go back to his '90s slang after he announced a sermon entitled "Jesus Wants to Be Your Lit Bae."