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Daughter Kidnapped On 12th Birthday, Replaced With Sassy, Angsty Clone

VANCOUVER, WA—Distraught parents Shelly and Mark Fenwick didn’t think it could happen to them. Their daughter Lisa was celebrating her 12th birthday when suddenly, the girl vanished. “We don’t know if somebody took her or if she ran away or simply slipped into some sort of transdimensional wormhole. All we know is that she is gone,” Mr. Fenwck told reporters.

When local authorities sent officers to investigate the situation, they reported that twelve-year-old Lisa Fenwick had been replaced by an identical human clone. “That thing may look like our Lisa, but that is not our Lisa,” Shelly Fenwick told officers on the scene. The parents claimed that almost as soon as their daughter went missing, this physical clone arrived in their home. 

When asked how they knew this was not the girl they had raised, Mark Fenwick said, “This bad clone is nothing like our daughter. She’s hypersensitive, irrational, easily angered, touchy, emotional, and obsessed with appearances. Worst of all, she can’t take a joke.” Fenwick presented the police with numerous innocent dad jokes which had caused the clone to fly into an emotional state, accusing him of attacking her and slamming the door to their daughter’s bedroom in a fit of rage. 

Authorities ran tests on the clone and found extremely high levels of hypersensitivity, dramatic tendencies, excessive sass, and severe humor comprehension impairment. “We presented her with many jokes unrelated to her on any level. We found that she took them all personally, no matter how irrational a connection.” For his own safety and the safety of his family, authorities advised Mr. Fenwick to abstain from dad jokes for the next five to seven years. “We estimate that is how long it will take to find the real Lisa,” they said. “Until then, we just don’t know what this thing is capable of. It’s best not to set it off.”

Mr. Fenwick was distraught in an interview with the press. “ As a father, I have to tell you this is every dad’s worst nightmare. Five to seven years of dad-joke silence? The loss is just unfathomable.” Fenwick was too upset to continue speaking.

If you have any information about what happened to the real Lisa Fenwick, please contact the tweens investigations division of the Mills county police department. The authorities have also issued a warning: if you come in contact with Lisa Fenwick’s clone, be advised, things could get sassy.