HAMFIELD, VA—After consulting with his physician, local worship leader Gareth Prentice recently decided to purchase an even tighter pair of skinny jeans in hopes of reaching even higher octaves when singing to Jesus. Though his doctor did express some concern that the vocalist could encounter permanent complications and damage to his lower extremities and vascular system, the impassioned worshiper decided there was no pants size too tight for his savior.
“Sometimes you have to set yourself aside and think about what your calling is. I don’t think I’m called to parent, or to produce offspring, or even to urinate properly. I really feel God has laid it on my heart to minister to people by singing at the highest octave possible, no matter what the cost,” Gareth said in a statement to the church board.
Board members had already been expressing concern at the tightness of the worship pastor’s jeans before he floated the decision to tighten things up again. “You could actually hear the pants struggling between songs, the seams splintering and twanging like harp strings,” said Mertyl Hempstock, one of the church elders with a troubled gaze. “I mean, his skin around his waistline, when visible, was turning sort of a tortured lavender color. I’m surprised he didn’t rot in half yet.”
But in the decisive meeting, Prentice made his case. “Lord, I Lift Your Name on High was meant to be sung as high as possible. It’s right there in the title,” Prentice defended. “And every time Chris Tomlin alters a hymn you have to be ready because that new part is going to be higher than the last one. We have to be ahead of the curve on this before other church bodies get out there first. Sing higher, get closer to heaven: it’s as simple as that.”
The board asked the worship leader to consult with a mentor and put the matter to a short period of fervent prayer. Prentice did so and decided the Holy Spirit had been very clear that it was time to go down another pants size.
Because he had already gone down to the lowest possible pants size available at Urban Outfitters, he had to take up an offering to fund a custom made pair of skinny jeans, built from special microcarbon fibers that can withstand extreme amounts of pressure. “The danger is, if these are not zipped properly, the zipper could rupture and someone could lose an eye,” explained Horatio Martinez, the designer of the revolutionary new pants he dubbed “The Lord Lifters.”
Prentice had the pants on at this Sunday’s service. Free eye protection was made available to the front row in the sancturary in case anything went awry with the zipper. The congregation happily embraced the slight increase in danger. “Some risks are worth it if God is glorified just a little more,” said one church member.
Amen to that.
UPDATE: Church member Owen Jenkins was hospitalized after the zipper exploded from Gareth’s skinny jeans. He is in stable condition and is expted to fully recover minus the use of one eye. Please pray for a quick recovery and that the Lord would guide the hands of the zipper manufacturers in the reconstruction of Gareth Prentice’s Lord Lifters.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.