ARRAKIS, OR—Local worship pastor Troy “T-Waffle” Lansing was excited to find that his Twitter follower count broke 3,000 on Saturday evening. The worship minister had been promoting his account hard, using several church interns to try to garner more and more followers for his social media presence.
Lansing was less excited to find the event had finally caused his head to become too large to fit through the sanctuary doors at Refuge Church. As Lansing attempted to enter the church Worship Experience Center’s sleek, stainless steel doors for a scheduled 7:30 a.m. soundcheck ahead of first service, his inflated noggin became wedged in the doorway.
“Uggggh, I’m stuck!” he cried. He attempted to call for help but had to wait until the rest of the band showed up, 45 minutes late for practice as usual. He then instructed the bass player to go into the church kitchen and retreive the butter, at which point they were able to “grease his big ol’ cabeza” and pull him out.
Church pastors immediately began discussing whether or not Lansing would be able to stay on staff if he were unable to get his giant head into the church week in and week out.
“We already had them widened once after he released his first album on SoundCloud. I’m afraid we’re gonna have to let him go,” pastor Brett Riley, who enters via a special enlarged door on the top of the church adjacent the helipad, said. “This is the third worship leader we’ve had to cut due to head inflation in the past year. It’s a real epidemic.”
At publishing time, Lansing had inked a deal with Elevation Church, whose back doors have already been pre-widened to allow Pastor Steven Furtick in each Sunday.