WORLD — Global leaders rushed to sign up for Trump's incredible offer to have the U.S. bomb their country for a few weeks and then give them $300 billion.
Sources within the White House reported days of jammed phone lines as countries from Mali to Uruguay repeatedly called to see if their country could be next.
"Pick me, pick me," said Chilean President Jose Kast. "We are more than happy to hide out for a couple weeks in exchange for $300 billion. How do we get to the top of the list? Do we need to give some cash to terrorists? Threaten to uncork a nuke? We can make it happen."
Several nations had taken additional steps to help improve the chances of their application being selected as the next nation up. "Please, sir. We've prepared a list of targets that are available for bombing at your convenience," said a Balkan diplomat. "We won't even shoot back at your airplanes, they'll be safe as can be. Come and get us. Please."
Though a few nations reportedly passed on the generous offer, the overwhelming majority of the world's countries were working to secure this once-in-a-lifetime plan. "We've tried economic reform, trade liberalization, and attracting foreign investment," said one Eastern European prime minister. "Frankly, it seems much easier to just get bombed by America and wait for the check to clear."
At publishing time, the White House had worked to streamline the process by creating an official application for countries to request to be bombed.
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