HEAVEN—According to sources from the afterlife, Beverly Partin, who taught the 3-year-olds at her church for over 50 years, is a "total baller" in heaven.
The longtime children's ministry volunteer is "living large," with a sprawling estate, garage full of classic cars, and "fat stacks of cash" everywhere.
"Oh, you must be Beverly!" St. Peter said at the gates after she passed away this past weekend at the ripe old age of 87. "We've been waiting for you. Right this way, ma'am." She was escorted past the slums where the megachurch pastors live, through the suburbs where the American Christians are placed, through the ritzy area where the missionaries and persecuted church members go, and finally brought to the top of a hill to her exclusive, country estate.
"We've been preparing this big, big house for you for a while. Make yourself at home," Peter said as he left her to it. "Also, this might be awkward, but -- can I have your autograph?"
Partin isn't being stingy with her time and money, even in heaven, though. She hosts bingo nights for her neighbors, throws lavish parties where she "makes it rain" on the less fortunate, and opens her 10,000 acres of land up for lacrosse, polo, hunting, tennis, archery, and, of course, football.
She does, however, have a "no 3-year-olds" rule for the first thousand years or so in eternity. "I love them, but I just need a bit of a break," she said.
The youth pastor is her butler.