U.S. — A singer who has made her entire career out of writing songs detailing her horrifically bad choices has announced her choice for President: Kamala Harris.
Pop icon Taylor Swift, who has written a veritable library of songs about her being a poor judge of character, made the announcement last night. "I know I'm internationally renowned for regretting every major decision in my life, but this choice will turn out different, I just know it," said Swift. "She's the one!"
A longtime Democrat, Swift's songwriting is known for chronicling how each man she thought would be the one turned out to be a total scumbag, but she was too blind to see it. More recently, her writing has evolved to explaining how she's mentally unstable and makes terrible, destructive decisions about other things in her life outside of romantic relationships.
"Who better than Taylor Swift to decide if a person will work out or not?" said Swift fanatic David Muir. "If you stacked all of her ex-boyfriends on top of each other, you could reach Neptune, okay? That's what we call 'experience'. She's got so much experience making wrong decisions, who better to decide what's right?"
At publishing time, Swift had reportedly begun penning a breakup song after learning that Kamala is really more of a Britney fan.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
