U.S. — In response to viral allegations that Haitian immigrants in Ohio are killing and eating cats, dogs, and park fowl, media outlets have assured Americans that illegal immigrants are in fact only killing vulnerable women and children.
The pet-eating allegations have spread quickly online, especially in the form of memes such as images of kitten militias wielding assault rifles and wearing MAGA hats. Congressional Democrats held emergency hearings to warn Americans that these images were probably not real, as kittens' paws are not well-suited to holding rifles.
"We want to reassure Americans that we have made upwards of two phone calls and found no evidence of immigrants eating pet cats." Said Rep. Eric Swalwell. "Americans shouldn't be worried by these far-right MAGA scare tactics since current evidence shows that the millions of illegal immigrants are only targeting innocent women and children, and not pets."
Democrats further blasted the allegations of pet consumption as patently racist. "How sickening to accuse people from another country of attacking cats when all they do is attack humans," said Vice President Kamala Harris. "The border crisis has killed nothing but women and children, and I will not stand for people saying otherwise."
At publishing time, media members were relieved to learn that the latest victim of migrant crime was just another human.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
