HOLLYWOOD, CA — Woke Hollywood has made another despicable move to turn children's entertainment into a weapon of their cultural war. This time, they have turned another beloved children's character gay — oh, wait, it's Velma? Eh. sure, whatever. Go for it.
Hollywood elites have proven yet again that our children are in their crosshairs, desiring nothing more than to indoctrinate innocent young souls by altering the sexuality of precious cartoon characters such as Vlorma...Vlinda? Anyway, turning whats-her-name gay is the last straw and all that.
Creators of the latest Scooby-Doo movie have received praise from the Left for depicting the mystery team's least interesting character as having a crush on another likely-uninteresting character, something that honestly hasn't raised our hackles like it probably should have.
"Usually we do the whole torch-and-pitchfork routine when Hollywood twists a beloved character like this," said one conservative activist, "But Velma? Seems fine I guess. At least they didn't touch Daphne, hubba hubba."
At publishing time, HBO Max announced plans to produce a spin-off cartoon series for adults focusing entirely on Velma blah blah blah.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.