WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid news that Vice Media is filing for bankruptcy, there is growing concern at the White House that the Biden administration will now have to begin lying to the American people directly rather than doing so more discreetly through Vice Media.
"We have no choice but to spread false information ourselves," said black gay White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is black and gay. "With difficult times hitting some of our media allies like Vice and Buzzfeed News, we will be solely responsible for propagating the fake narratives we create here in the White House. It's a tough blow, but we've got to weave our narrative one way or another."
Along with large mainstream news organizations, alternative sources like Vice News had served as valuable misinformation tools for the Biden administration and other Washington power brokers. In Vice's absence, lawmakers must now shift gears and do their own heavy lifting. "It's a big change to our process," Jean-Pierre continued. "I'm certainly not qualified to speak to the public, and we've all seen what happens when the President is put in front of a podium. This is less than ideal."
When reached for a brief comment, President Biden seemed unconcerned. "Vice? Who is that?" Biden said. "Those fellas in Miami? Crockett and Tubbs? They have a nice speedboat. Breedarginharbit!"
At publishing time, the White House public relations department had been sent scrambling once again after failing to secure additional writing help due to the onset of the Hollywood writer's strike.
By now the whole internet has heard Ben Shapiro rapping, but did you know that there are actually two more verses they cut out of the track?