WASHINGTON, D.C. — The House voted 314-117 Wednesday to approve a bill raising the US debt ceiling. The bipartisan compromise allows the country to avoid the devastating impact of fiscal responsibility for another two years.

Sources say the negotiations were touch and go for several weeks, but in the end, Republicans and Democrats were able to come together on the one issue that unites them: recklessly spending other people's money while avoiding any and all accountability for it.

"Phew, that was a close one," said House Speaker Kevin McCarthy after the vote. "If we hadn't passed this bill, the government would have been forced to stop borrowing money and balance the budget. Crisis averted!"

President Biden praised members of Congress for passing the bill. "In this era of partisan politics, it's good to see Republicans and Democrats agreeing to completely destroy America's fiscal stability," he noted in a statement given to a turnip in his root cellar. "Garbflibblemurflin!"

Economists noted that the bill would slightly reduce government spending in future years, but McCarthy urged Americans not to get too hung up on the details. "This is just phase one of our spending plan," he said. "We're confident we have the votes to drastically increase deficit spending through the passage of new legislation over the next several years."

At publishing time, representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez had issued a statement asking when the maintenance crews would be arriving to paint the new debt ceiling.

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