ST. PAUL, MN — Local man Donald Struthermeier was on high alert Monday after his wife gasped aloud while reading texts from her phone. He knew from experience that someone had either just died or bought a new handbag.

"Oh!" gasped Darlene Struthermeier, her body literally shaking. "Oh, it's just too much!"

Donald had been hard at work in the yard when he heard his wife's sudden cry. It took him several minutes to calm Darlene down and find out what had happened. Sources later confirmed it was a "twofer" — Darlene's grandma passed away in a Nordstrom parking lot after having just bought a handbag, leaving Donald confused on how to react.

"But look at this, Don," said Darlene after a moment of exasperated silence. "It's a Lambskin Quilted Medium Double Flap! I can't believe the Rack even had one!"

"A double flap, Don! Don't walk away from me!"

At publishing time, Donald Struthermeier drove his car into the Mississippi River after his wife gasped loudly from the passenger seat and made him think he was about to run someone over. Sources later confirmed that Darlene's friend Tricia bought a new Louis Vuitton handbag on sale.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.