WASHINGTON, D.C.—The House has passed a landmark bill that would decriminalize marijuana. To signify the vote, phat blue and white clouds were seen rising from the dome of the Capitol Building Friday afternoon.
The vote was tallied and the House chamber instantly filled with smoke, which rose out of the Capitol, covering the D.C. area in a skunky-smelling fog. The Congressional cafeteria also quickly ran out of Doritoes and Ho Hos. Congresspeople all said they were taking the rest of the day off in celebration and locked themselves in their offices, though Bob Marley could be heard playing in most of them.
"This bill is so great, man," said a red-eyed Representative Justin Amash as he stared at his hands, wide-eyed in wonder. "Do my hands look big to you? I've never really looked at them before. Man. Dude, wouldn't it be crazy if, like, we were all part of this computer simulation? Like someone in another universe was playing Sim City 3000 and we're just the little, the little guys on the screen, you know? Man."
Mitch McConnell says he'll block the bill when it hits the Senate, however, as it does nothing to decriminalize cocaine.