WASHINGTON, D.C. — Parents are encouraged to check their child's Halloween candy haul every year to keep an eye out for razor blades and granola bars, but they didn't have to worry about the treats they'd get from the White House — until now. According to sources, the President and First Lady accidentally handed out fresh-cut bags of cocaine to trick-or-treaters at the South Lawn of the White House instead of candy, endangering both children and poll numbers.
"Dagnabbit, I grabbed the wrong basket again," said a frustrated Biden upon realizing he had already distributed his son Hunter's stash to the entire neighborhood. "Ah well... anyway, prick or preet, kids, have fun!"
According to eyewitnesses, Dr. Jill Biden then sprang into action. "Oh no, Joe! Crack is bad for kids!" she said. "I know that because I am a real doctor!" She then began chasing down children and swatting baskets out of their hands, leaving dozens of traumatized children crying on the White House lawn.
The weeping children attracted the attention of Secret Service agents who proceeded to seal off exits and haphazardly search through bags of Halloween candy.
"Whoa whoa whoa, not so fast, pal!" shouted Special Agent Vince Stallone as he slammed a 7-year-old kid in a Mandalorian costume to the ground. "This is some top-shelf blow, kid. You're going to jail!"
At publishing time, the Secret Service had confirmed they have no leads as to where the cocaine may have come from.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
