Not sure how to vote in the vote? Become an informed voter quickly and easily with this in-depth Election Day Study Guide! We tell you exactly where the major parties stand on the key issues.
Democrats: If you don't pay us more taxes, the planet will explode in a ball of fire and you will watch your dreams turn to ash.
Republicans: It's cold outside, so there's no climate change.
Democrats: Inflation is simultaneously not Biden's fault and not actually happening and also it's actually good for you.
Republicans: More like Bidenflation, am I right?
Republicans: Anti, unless you get your mistress pregnant.
Democrats: Tax and spend.
Republicans: Cut taxes and spend.
Drag Queens in Schools
Democrats: For drag queens performing for kindergarteners as often as possible.
Republicans: Wait — WHAT???
Democrats: Send billions to Ukraine.
Balance of Power
Democrats: All of America should be ruled by Harvard graduates who live in Manhattan.
Republicans: ALL HAIL GOD EMPEROR TRUMP!
Democrats: We must groom every child until everyone is gay or trans.
Republicans: GET YOUR KIDS OUT OF PUBLIC SCHOOLS!
Democrats: You should've bought an electric car.
Republicans: Everyone should have an oil rig in their backyard.
Republicans: Against, because they hate democracy or something.
Pronunciation of "gif"
Republicans: Hard "g."
Democrats: You are a racist.
Ushering in the downfall of Western Civilization
Republicans: Also PRO, but slower.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: