ATLANTA, GA—A CDC scientist has called on the nation to cancel Thanksgiving, but many are suspicious of the announcement, since the scientist looks remarkably like a turkey wearing a lab coat and sciency-looking glasses.
"We must cancel Thanksgiving this year. It is completely off the table," the scientist, Dr. Peck N. Gobble, said. "All gatherings must cease, and we encourage everyone to just stay home alone and maybe eat some broccoli. Or leaves, or grass, or even some nice berries or insects. You'd be surprised how much protein you can get from a nice, delicious bug."
The scientist also said we should cancel Christmas gatherings, especially ones where poultry is traditionally served.
"We all must make sacrifices," Gobble continued. "And, honestly, with the way things are looking, we should probably cancel Thanksgiving next year, and even the year after that. In fact, maybe we make a new holiday where eating a bird isn't the main event. I'm just saying."
"Hey, wait a minute!" shouted one man at the press conference. "He's a turkey! Get him!" The man was thrown out for being racist and anti-science.