Want To Survive While Flying? Follow These 9 Easy Tips

Brought to you by: My Patriot Supply

With air travel seeming far more dangerous than usual lately, passengers have been looking for ways to feel more secure about their upcoming flights. Fortunately, there are some simple and easy tricks that can boost your chances of survival.

The Babylon Bee has put together the following helpful list of tips on how to survive flying:

Avoid flying Delta, United, American, Southwest, and Alaska: Strangely, Spirit should be totally fine.
Log as many hours on Microsoft Flight Simulator 98 as possible before your trip: This'll come in handy if you're needed to help the pilot land the plane.
Make sure the pilot is a middle-aged retired fighter pilot named "Chuck": And he should have a mustache.
Sew together 100 hot towels to form a parachute: Might come in handy.
Bring your mom so she can put her arm over your chest like a seatbelt if the plane stops suddenly: This will save your life.
Sit between two morbidly obese passengers for cushioning: The tubbier, the better.
Poke your head into the cockpit and remind the flight crew to check if the wings are still attached: Follow it up with a polite "I just wanted to tell you both good luck, we're all counting on you."
Travel by a Chinese rickshaw instead: A 98% less chance of dying in a fiery explosion.
Practice jumping so you can jump off the airplane floor right before a crash and avoid 100% of the impact: It's proven to be effective in elevators, so it stands to reason it'll work on a plane.

Air travel can still be safe, you just have to get creative. What are your foolproof methods for surviving a flight? Post them in the comments below.

NOT SATIRE: Can You Survive An "EMP Attack?"

You probably already know that EMP stands for "Electro Magnetic Pulse." And it's a burst of high-energy radiation, triggered by either a deliberate attack by an enemy nation, or a solar flare. It has the power to shut down our power grid completely. And even fry nearly every electronic device that isn't protected!

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