MAR-A-LAGO, FL — Former and current President Donald J. Trump reportedly threw open the storm shutters of his Mar-a-Lago estate and proclaimed that, during the night he had been visited by the ghosts of January 6 past, present, and future, and that they confirmed what he already knew: He did everything perfectly.
"Usually I'm visited by the ghosts of this great nation's founding fathers, asking my advice on political and financial matters," Trump yelled down to onlookers who paused trimming the lawn and hedges of his estate to listen. "But last night's visit was very, very peculiar. At first, I thought these three apparitions were an undigested bit of Big Mac, a blot of ketchup, a crumb of french fry. They were real, super real."
The 45th president continued as his gardeners waited patiently, "I was told by the ghosts to reflect upon my present blessings — of which every man has many and I have many, many more — and not on my past mistakes, of which I have none, which I might add includes the events of January 6. The ghosts said so."
Trump then told the workers to continue with the yard work, but pointed to a bright, young Hispanic named Julio and told him to run to McDonald's and fetch the largest platter of hamburgers they have, tossing down a bag of gold coins because who knew how much hamburgers cost.
At publishing time, Donald Trump had vowed to "Honour January 6 in my heart, and try to keep it all the year."
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