JUNIPER HILLS, CA—Trinity Hills Baptist Church erupted into total chaos after Pastor Greg abruptly jettisoned thirty years of tradition, adding an unheard-of fourth point onto Sunday’s sermon.
“I just never thought this kind of heresy would come into these walls,” said parishioner Tom Walgam. “God ordained the Trinitarian three-point sermon from the dawn of Creation. I could see this kind of thing happening at a Methodist church, but here? Lord have mercy!”
Parishioners were caught completely off guard, with no warning whatsoever from the sermon outline. Pastor Greg had started off innocently enough, preaching on the story of the Prodigal Son. He dutifully identified the three characters of the story: son, father, and brother. Nothing ominous seemed afoot.
As Pastor Greg rounded the bend on point number three, young parents dispensed their best child distractors, carefully rationing each Cheerio. At last, the final summary seemed at hand – markers were being capped, Bibles closed, crumbs swept away – when decades of triune sermon tradition were suddenly overturned.
Eyewitnesses say children led the revolt, rising out of the pews with screams and desperate pleas for fruit snacks. The old men gnashed their false teeth, while the old women let out a chorus of “Well, I never!” A few young parents tried to maintain control with fresh coloring books; but soon, the dam broke.
Children began escaping out of the pews, lobbing sippy cups at unsuspecting victims. Babies wailed, the elderly threw peppermints, and pregnant women streamed to the bathroom. The elderly unfolded walkers in unison, like an army preparing for battle.
Sources say that Pastor Greg has since apologized and repented for his outrageous behavior. The staff parish relations committee has placed him on preacher probation and hopes to somehow rehabilitate his Christian witness over the coming months.