THESSALONICA - Christians in the ancient city of Thessalonica are rejoicing at the slightly delayed arrival of Paul's third letter to them, stamped for delivery via USPS First Class Mail almost two millennia ago. 

The epistle comes at a crucial time, as Christians worldwide are experiencing persecution ranging from kidnapping and murder in Sub-Saharan Africa to abhorrent atrocities known today as "being kicked from social media platforms."

"This delayed delivery turned out to be a blessing," remarked local Christian Icarus Constantinides while examining the fragments of the epistle that had not already disintegrated into a fine dust. "Had it arrived in the decades after Paul's death, the church at Thessalonica would have never received it; surviving the rampant torture and murder exacted on them made post office visits a low priority."

At publishing time, postal workers were hard at work trying to figure out what to do with the numerous bins full of delayed Trump ballots.