RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA - Despite being an avid user, Dean Donaldson saw his feelings about a favorite app take a sharp turn today when he received an abrupt notification asking him if he was enjoying the app.
"Why the constant solicitation? I downloaded the free app and use it every day. Isn't that enough for you people???" Eyewitnesses say Donaldson's eyes narrowed as he begrudgingly clicked "Yes" to confirm he was indeed enjoying the app, but that he went ballistic when it then prompted him to write a review.
"You want me to WRITE a REVIEW??? I don't even remember interviewing to be your propaganda author! I'm assuming I'll be receiving royalties since I'm your FREAKING PUBLIC RELATIONS DIRECTOR NOW!!!" Eyewitnesses escaped during what they described as Donaldson's "freakout" but confirmed that he was growling profanities and casting hexes on the app developers when they last saw him, pledging revenge: "I'll leave you a REVIEW alright…it will make my review of the local Pilot station's sushi look like one of those pay-to-play early reviews for a Marvel movie!"
At publishing time, Donaldson had flung his phone across the room and shattered a mirror when the same app sent him a notification that he should remember to read his verse of the day.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
