WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an attempt to avert a major financial disaster in the wake of Silicon Valley Bank's collapse, the Biden Administration held a special meeting with Chinese President Xi to ask him for a quick loan to help bail out the failing bank.
"Hey, Xi old buddy! I haven't seen you since we were pallin' around in the foothills of the Himalayas!" said Biden to the CCP leader. "We need a couple bucks. Just a small loan to bail out some bankers and prevent the collapse of the economy again. Can you do us a solid? We promise we'll pay you back! Please?"
"Pretty please?"
Xi reportedly withdrew his hand from a pot of honey long enough to shake Biden's hand and offer him a guaranteed loan of a few hundred billion. In return, Biden offered up the land in East Palestine, the island of Taiwan, and one of Hunter's paintings as security.
"Thanks, Xi ol' buddy ol' pal," Biden gushed, according to witnesses. "You won't regret this! I'm sure a future president of future generations of Americans will pay you back long after I'm dead!"
At publishing time, several more banks had collapsed, forcing the U.S. to ask Ukraine for some of its aid money back.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
